I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
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