Yeh xou jao i ama wa7tdud !!
Oh my god. its not even twelve thirty and you are useless.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
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