You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
