Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize
