mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
They took my balls.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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