I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
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