dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
