They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
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