I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
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