Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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