Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
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