I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
Randomize
