I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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