his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
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