During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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