Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
