Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
