M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Randomize
