I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
She bit a glass in half.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
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