btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
I murdered the dance floor call the cops
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
Randomize
