I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Randomize
