alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
I love you.
Bad choice
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
