I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Randomize
