The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
you win again, gameday.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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