Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize
