The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
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