Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
