I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
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