I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
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