Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
Let's get the cat blown out
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Randomize
