Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Randomize