I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
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