When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
