eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
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