I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
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