and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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