Well how sick are u. Ive got a good immune system.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Randomize
