I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
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