When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
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