I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
