So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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