Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
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