don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
Randomize
