that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Randomize
