Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
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