Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
Is it proper Ass-Fingering-Etiquette to tell her u felt her poop or just pretend it didn't happen?
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Randomize
