I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
bang him and never speak to him again. also, queef in his face.
i dont this its possible to queef on command.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
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