I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
