Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Randomize
