wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
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