dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
Randomize
