I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
i will never coherently bang her
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
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